Troubled

I am writing this while feeling troubled.

We had our youth group gathering tonight, and it went well. At least I think it did.

But something was off. Not quite right. Something was troubling.

I think there are several reasons that I could feel troubled (I’ve had a lot happen recently), but primarily I believe that the reason is me.

Surely other ministers feel the same way sometimes. They teach these passionate, challenging lessons, then look deep inside their hearts and find that they themselves aren’t following their own advice.

It’s hard. Troubling.

I want to be a singleminded man. A man that believes and does what he says and tells others to do. I want to be that kind of man. But I’m not. I’m a wretch.

I wallow in my sin, complacency, hypocrisy. I don’t know why.

But tonight, it is eating at me. I feel worthless. Like a deceiver.

I’m not worthy of this task, but I desire to do it. I’m not perfect, but I do think I’m called.

God forgive me for my divided heart and mind. Help me to love and serve you with all I am. Forgive me. Help me. Amen.